But my personal life – my love life – sucks. I spend too much time working – and worrying. Briefly, my last relationship ended in part when he told me he was “devastated” that I didn’t spend Thanksgiving (which was also my birthday) and Christmas with HIS family. Truth is, I actually wanted to, but my only sibling in town went out-of-town to visit her in-laws on Thanksgiving, and it seemed the plans she made with Betty for Christmas were tentative. Betty didn’t feel comfortable going to my then-boyfriend’s family’s events, and I didn’t want her sitting home alone at her apartment. It’s not easy juggling Betty’s needs as well as those of my children (can’t forget about them), but unfortunately it often leads to lonely night home alone for me. But his remark about being “devastated” made me realize he wasn’t the right one for me, as the holidays revolved completely around his traditions and completely ignored any that I may have, or my needs and obligations.

I’ve been attempting to reach out to my siblings and ask for help with simple things – such as scheduling holidays so Betty isn’t alone (and so I may occasionally have a break), but the reply to that request from the one sibling in town was a very sarcastic:

“Given the festive nature of the holidays, it’s wonderful how you can share your feelings and generosity. We appreciate all you.”

And recently, when I found myself stressed and needed help, I attempted to reach out to my siblings with the following idea. I chose to communicate by e-mail so that I could share the same information – and links to a senior transportation company – to everyone. And boy did this ever backfire!

This is in part what I sent:

“So far this year I’ve spent 25 hours on days I take mom to and from doctor’s appointments.  That, juggling several of my daughter’s doctor’s appointments and commitments (she couldn’t drive for a couple of weeks when she hurt her ankle), 2 business trips and a spur-of-the-moment vacation – the first in a couple of years (and my first cruise ever without mom!) – and attempting to juggle work and a house and a life – Sometimes it gets very hard to do all of it (and, of course, it’s never enough as far as mom is concerned). (And it’s only 6 weeks into the new year!)

What if we all contributed to a fund to get help/assistance when I need it for mom?

It would be nice to have funds saved to cover such expenses, or simply expenses to cover transportation (dentist, shopping, whatever) when I can’t take mom.

I spent 5½ (work-day) hours with mom today, and I know she was unhappy that we didn’t even make it to the grocery for strawberries and coffee.

And – she needs to get out and do some shopping – she feels useless  and unfulfilled if we do all the shopping for her.

Anyway, this is one option for those time that I need extra help:

rideplus – design a rideplan

rideplus – training

So – what do you think if we each contribute $50 – $75 a month towards transportation and misc. assistance?”

And here is part of the reply:

The real issue here is that you are counting the hours with our mother and trying to make everyone else feel guilty that we don’t clock in as many hours.  If you don’t want to do it, don’t, but stop complaining about it.

As for shopping, there are options:

#1)  Hiring a college student to take her on a regularly scheduled time/ generally $10.00-15.00 per hour (Note: A “college student” would not be able to handle Betty’s physical needs.)

#2)  Take her before or after doctor appts. (Note: Who is she referring to? I’m the one that takes Betty to 99% of her appointments during my work day. Is she suggesting I take even more time off? And – a typical doctors appointment and then taking Betty out for lunch or dinner after generally takes 5-6 hours of my workday.)

#3)  Schedule pre-arranged trips (Note: Again, who is she referring to? I can’t remember the last time SHE took Betty shopping!)

And the note just got worse from there.

And then my sister called my mother in tears!

Once again I’m the bad one in the family. The one that causes all the trouble. It’s been 3 or 4 weeks since I asked for help, since my sister relayed all of this (including forwarding of e-mails to my mother) and my mother has called me in tears every day since. And whenever I find myself alone, I too am in tears.

For my own sanity, I feel that I need to separate myself from my sisters. I’m tired of the accusations as well as the heartbreak. Betty is pushing togetherness – pushing the guilt and responsibility all on me, but I can’t do everything – so I’ll just consider myself as an only child and will somehow go on …

Betty’s Daughter

March 20, 2011

What in heaven’s name do I do?

Betty’s Daughter

July 2, 2010

Of course, like most drugs, there are side effects. For me, those include extreme fatigue, ADD-like symptoms and extreme emotional sensitivity. Great – eh?

Although I’m healthy – the headaches have been hell. I wake up in pain, take a pill and sleep most of the day. Often the headache goes away around 6 or 7 at night and I’m able to eat something for the first time all day – and then I start work! And I work (in my home/office) often until 3AM. Sometimes later.

Wait … Did we forget about Betty?

Nope, I still find a way to juggle her needs, but mine of overlooked and neglected, over and over again.

As I said – the meds make me very emotional (as users on blogs have stated: the meds make one feel “very sad”). I found myself in the shower today crying out loud that I needed help (with mom). But whether its alone in the shower – or in a conversation with my siblings – it still falls upon deaf ears.

Did I say the meds also made me ramble?

Well – Here I go (again) …

Tips for my Family:

Treat your mother like you and your spouse have treated your in-laws!!!!

When you come to town, please rent a car so you can spend time with your mother/grandmother, and don’t have to depend on me to be your personal driver.

DO NOT give your mother/grandmother a gift-certificate for the movies – make the time and effort to take her! (Remember – she doesn’t drive – I do all the driving for her.)

DO NOT give your mother/grandmother a gift-certificate for a facial – take her to the spa with you.

Volunteer to drive your mother/grandmother to the doctor or to other places she has to go. I have a job, too …. and it’s just as important as yours.

When various family members are meeting for dinner at a restaurant – or going to a bridal shower or whatever, ask your mother/grandmother if she would like you to pick her up.

_______________________

Friends ask me why I keep doing these things – running to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. They ask why I just don’t stop and leave it to everyone else.

But that’s not how I was raised, and that’s not who I am.

I watched my own parents give of themselves the same way to their parents. And I also witnessed how – at times – how their own siblings were in denial.

I do it for love.

And I can’t walk away from my mother.

… But frankly, I feel that half the time she’s disappointed that I don’t do more. It’s exhausting.

Betty’s Daughter

March 30, 2010

And, once again, I am shocked by the selfishness shown by my siblings. I should be use to it by now, but honestly – I don’t understand how they could be so “outstanding in the community” – and yet so apathetic when it comes to their own loving mother.

We’re traveling to Columbus, Ohio, for the wedding. My brother’s son is getting married and Columbus is home to both and brother and my sister. I’m sure my brother and his family will be very busy in the days before the wedding, so I really don’t expect too much “help” from him, but I found it interesting that neither my brother – or my sister – asked my mother to stay in their home during her visit to Columbus.

My mother doesn’t get to Ohio very often, and lately it’s been for funerals. She lived in Cleveland for nearly all of her life – nearly 80 years – until I moved her to Arizona several years ago. I took her back last May for a funeral and we stayed a full week, as I wanted her to have as much time with friends and family as possible.

This upcoming wedding is days before a relative’s “stone setting” – a Jewish tradition of ceremonially dedicating a gravestone six months or a year after the funeral. The stone setting will take place up in Cleveland, but unfortunately I can’t take that additional time off of work and away from home. I know that it’s important for my mother to attend – and I also know that it’s just as important for her to spend time with her friends in the Cleveland area. With mom and her friends in their mid-to-late-80s, I don’t know how many times she’ll be able to share happy and carefree times with them. So, I thought I’d attempt to enlist the help of my sisters.

I first asked my sister who lives in Columbus:

…I already made my flight arrangements – but just for me. Not for mom (yet).

I know she wants to come in early for Sylvia’s stone setting – and she wants to spend 2-3 days in Cleveland.

I can’t help her out this time – I can’t get that much time off work right now.

If you can commit to spending a couple/few days in Cleveland (really – how many more times will she see her closest friends???) – I can set up her flights.

Let me know….

Her reply: She’ll be returning from her Florida (winter) home just days before the stone setting and although she’ll be attending the stone setting – she’ll be too tired to spend even one night Cleveland. It will just be a quick drive back and forth.

Of course, she and her husband are retired and there’s nothing stopping them from returning from Florida to their home in Ohio days or even a week or two earlier. And when I suggested that – well – she never replied.

As for my other sister, Deidre – her excuses changed depending on who she was talking to. She told me – 3 months before the wedding – that her father in-law was ill and she couldn’t even make tentative plans to attend, but now – she’s apparently upset that her toddler-aged grandchildren aren’t invited to the reception – and she’ll only be attending if her son from Washington DC (with his toddlers in tow) attends. But, obviously her own mother’s needs and desires are of no concern to her.

Deidre even had the audacity to suggest that Betty fly in to Cleveland days early and stay with – well – let’s just say – stay with people that (1) have never invited her to stay at their homes and (2) people that in the past have expressed that they’re so busy they can hardly make a lunch date with Betty when she is in town. As for Deidre – those suggestions seemed like an easy way out, but I saw it as pushing one’s mother off on other people.

The reservations are now made: Betty will be flying with me – to and from Columbus – in mid June. She’ll be staying in a typical downtown business hotel in Columbus – just like me, and not with either one of her two children who live in Columbus, or with her 3 or 4 Columbus-area grown grandchildren.

The last six years have cost me – financially – much more that anyone realizes, but I have never once asked my siblings for a penny. (Do they even realize that the last two cars I bought were purchased because Betty could get in-and-out of them easily? And now – as she’s having trouble stepping into my car – I’m wondering how I can possibly afford another anytime soon.) But the few times that I’ve asked them for physical or emotional support, it’s been basically ignored. I’m not talking about a phone call asking if I’m OK – I’m talking about a real break. A real effort to visit her here in town and to maybe even take her on a day trip or two. Or more.

There’s only so much I can do by myself. (And a day doesn’t go by when Betty doesn’t give me a to-do list.)

Thank goodness that I’ll have a bit of help in Columbus. But it won’t be from Betty’s children or grandchildren, it will be from – of all people – my ex-husband.

Betty’s Daughter

March 20, 2010

]]> http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/wedding-no-2/feed/ 0 Betty's Daughter http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2010/02/28/no-regrets/ http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2010/02/28/no-regrets/#comments Mon, 01 Mar 2010 00:53:45 +0000 Betty's Daughter http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/?p=102 Continue reading →]]> I have no regrets that I took mom to the wedding. It was something that I did for her – and her granddaughter, Jessica, the bride. But like I suspected – I felt like a hired hand as far as my siblings were concerned.

Obviously everyone was very busy, so mom wasn’t invited to my oldest sister’s condo – before or after the wedding – to spend time with her and her grandchildren. And she wasn’t invited to Deidre’s vacation condo for quality time with Deidre’s grandchildren visiting from Washington, DC. (except for a crowded and hectic children’s birthday party in a public area). And even though she probably wouldn’t have been able to go – she wasn’t invited to go on an airboat through the Everglades with my brother and his family. And, of course, since I’m Betty’s “caretaker” – I wasn’t invited to any of these places either.

I’ve spent six days in Florida, near the coast, and I never once saw a grain of sand or the ocean. I heard about some wonderful boardwalks and other places, but the activities would have been too much for Betty – especially when she was saving up her energy for the wedding festivities. So we just listened to everyone else’s adventures. And everyone’s else future vacation plans.

And never once did any one of my three siblings invite me somewhere – or offer to “take mom for a bit” so I could at least explore Boca Raton on my own for a while.

At least a caretaker might have gotten some time off.

Or at least a thank you.

Betty’s Daughter

February 28, 2010

I spent several days this week taking her to doctor’s visits and shopping for this upcoming trip to Florida and, unfortunately, had to make up the missed working hours on my home computer by working till 3 or 4AM. Needless to say – I slept in a few days, but – and I swear I’m not making this up – but I had 16 missed calls from mom one morning while I was sleeping! And it was all about this wedding!

I haven’t had this must stress – this many tears – in my life since my father died ten years ago. Sometimes I’m afraid to go to sleep at night because of stress-related nightmares.

I know that for my own health and well-being I shouldn’t be going, but I can’t let my mother down. I just wish these nightmares would stop.

It’s been getting harder and harder to juggle mom, being a mom to my own children and attempting to build my company up after a devastating loss in business. And, of course, taking care of “me” is at the bottom of the list.

It’s Saturday and I have two business-related phone conferences that I have to prepare for on Sunday, a business trip to Los Angeles on Monday, and Tuesday – well – somehow I have to pack Betty, pack me, work and get the house and animals ready for my early morning trip to Florida on Wednesday.

Since I have to manage Betty’s luggage and as well as my own at the airport, on shuttles and elsewhere – as well as helping mom over curbs and steps and other obstacles, I asked my sister and her husband if they can take one of my mom’s bags on their flight. But of course – it was too inconvenient. You see – they would have to pay for the extra checked bag.

Betty’s Daughter

February 20, 2010

]]> http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2010/02/20/extra-baggage/feed/ 0 Betty's Daughter http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/the-clock-is-ticking/ http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/the-clock-is-ticking/#comments Sun, 24 Jan 2010 02:22:10 +0000 Betty's Daughter http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/?p=92 Continue reading →]]> Once again there’s been a lapse in time between entries, but only because there hasn’t been an opportunity to sit down and write. I’ve been juggling Betty along with my work, two college-aged children and the silly idea of making a life after divorce.

Business has been more challenging than ever, with clients calling up and telling me they can pay only 20 or 30 cents on the dollar of past invoices. And this week life became even more challenging when my primary client informed me that they are canceling their contract with my company, and, will likely not even pay their invoices for work completed in December and January! And it’s not even that they don’t have the funds – they’re simply wanting to go in a new direction and are daring me to hire a lawyer to collect on their contractual obligations!

So I’m sitting here at the moment trying to figure out how to keep my company going and keep my staff paid, while looking at a 70-80% loss of income. And Betty just called …

She was in tears: She has a toe nail hurting and a skin irritation, and she neglected to make doctor’s appointments on Friday. Her bank statement didn’t make sense and she still needs things for “the” wedding next month. And she was in tears.

I couldn’t say a word.

There is so much that I have to hold in (in regards to my own troubles) and it’s a wonder that I don’t explode.

I just can’t do it all.

I’ve been tempted to write to my three siblings and tell them that I won’t be able to make it to the wedding and ask how they can help with mom and her travels. What an inconvenience THAT would be.

But that would only hurt Betty …

… and her disappointment would only cause even more stress for me.

Betty’s Daughter

January 23, 2010

My niece, Jessica, is the lucky bride and the wedding is taking place in an exclusive resort town on the Florida coast. The groom-to-be just came back from his bachelor party in Panama, and the wedding will likely cost twice the current U.S. median gross income. I have been to some very exquisite affairs, but I’m sure this one will be over the top.

But as soon as the engagement was announced and my siblings started making plans, my excitement about Jessica’s wedding turned to dread. I start to type – start to explain – and the hurt is so bad that I sit with my fingers on the keyboard for 30 or 40 minutes at a time, unable to write coherently.

I love my mother more than most can imagine – more than she’ll ever know, and I’ve shared my life and my leisure time with her over and over again by taking her to Mexico both by land and by sea, flown her to Hawaii with my family, and even cruised to Alaska with her and my daughter. But this upcoming trip to Florida will be by far the most stressful for me.

Obviously Jessica’s mother will be busy with the wedding, but I was hoping that my other siblings would offer a hand – would invite my mother to spend time with them in Florida. But instead, they’ve all gone about making their plans – while assuming that I’d take care of my mother, whether it was the assistance on the flights, transportation in and around Florida, and even sharing the motel room.

My brother is arriving at the wedding with his wife from their home in the midwest. Between the two of them, they have 5 grown children. The last I heard – they were renting a house or condo to accommodate the two of them and any of their children that might attend. But never once did they ask Betty to join them.

And my sister Deidre, who lives here in Arizona, not far from either Betty or myself, also rented a condo for her and her husband, her children and grandchildren – and even a nanny. But never once did Deidre ask Betty if she’d like to stay with her – or even fly to Florida with them, since Deidre assumed I’d be going and I’d be taking care of all Betty’s needs.

Just as I was beginning to think of my place in my family as nothing more than that of a caregiver, Deidre was able to top it: First, she decided that her oldest granddaughter (Rick’s daughter) – 9 year old Jennifer – should attend the wedding and for whatever reason, Jennifer should fly to and from Florida with Betty and me, and not on the flight with Deidre and her husband. So, besides being Betty’s caregiver – I’m also Jennifer’s babysitter. Don’t get me wrong – I love my niece, but her parents won’t even talk to me and went as far as to exclude me from the family’s Christmas gathering, and Deidre pretends nothing is wrong.

And to top things off, today Deidre gave Betty a gift certificate for a facial at a well-known local spa and told her it was “for the wedding” – meaning, get the facial before you go to Florida. But then Deirdre told Betty that she couldn’t take her to the spa, as she’d already be in Florida – once again assuming that I’d add chauffeur to my list of jobs that I do for the family.

I don’t regret doing that things that I do for my mother, but I can’t help but to feel resentment towards my siblings – feelings that I didn’t think I had in my soul.

Betty’s Daughter

January 2, 2009

Throughout the years I’ve attempted to talk to my siblings – and to ask for help, whether physical or emotional, but the assistance was usually non-existent. My requests were both big and small. Years ago, when my mother was just starting to make plans to relocate to the southwest, she was unable to buy a new home here until she sold her old home. And she was unwilling to sell her old home until she found a new place. Obviously we weren’t getting anywhere.

My husband and I didn’t have any extra savings to lend her at the time, so I asked one or two of my siblings, who were much better off financially, if they could loan my mother money to put down on a house. To make a long story short – my requests were completely ignored, yet – when my mother finally moved across the country and into my home – I was heavily criticized. One sibling told me “she’s going to die living with you.”

On a much smaller scale and when the time came for my mother to give up driving, I had asked my three siblings to discuss this with her. Of course, no one did. And every once in a while Betty still blames me for taking away her independence the day I took away her car keys. And, yes, it hurts. I try to shake it off – but sometimes it sticks with me for a while.

And when I asked one sister who lives nearby to invite my mother out to the movies once every three of four weeks so that my then-husband and I could have a real date-night without mom in tow – it fell upon deaf ears.

I may be assertive in my business life, but when it comes to interactions with my siblings, I’m the complete opposite. Maybe I’m just tired of being ignored, insulted and criticized – so at this point in my life, it is just easier to take the action that I believe is needed under each situation, instead for attempting to have a dialog with others.

Anyway, in a very weak moment earlier today, I decided to share this blog with one of my nieces. I know, it was likely a huge mistake, and yet I needed to share this with someone close. I asked her to keep this just between the two of us, but an hour later I noticed the blog statics nearly tripled. I’m not sure if this was just merely coincidence and a sudden popularly of my writing, or a show-and-tell among family members…

…But at this point I’m afraid to find out!

Betty’s Daughter

December 26, 2009

Christmas tends to be an odd season anyway. You see – I’m Jewish and although I love feeling the spirit and the joys of Christmastime, sometimes it’s a very lonely time of year. Especially being a single divorcee with children out on their own, and with their own plans for the holidays.

For me, Christmas isn’t a religious holiday, but a time – a season – to spend with family, friends and loved ones. And a time to watch the awe and joy in the eyes of children.

This year I did Christmas shopping for six of my great-nieces and nephews. My nephew, Rick, converted and became Catholic during his high school years, and is having a family Christmas gathering. His (Jewish) brother, Bradford, is flying in from the east coast with his two children – including a two-year old daughter who I have never seen. Besides Bradford, Rick’s parents (my sister), and my mother, will all be there.

I rarely go to the shopping malls these days, but I squeezed the shopping in at the end of a dinner/movie date on a pre-Christmas evening when Macy’s was open until midnight. (I’m beginning to wonder if that’s why Greg, my date that evening, hasn’t called me again!)

Rick’s nine year old wanted a board game for Christmas (which required a quick trip to Target with my dinner date), but I found five gorgeous outfits for all the younger ones. But the gifts weren’t from me, they were for Betty to give to her great-grandchildren. You see – I wasn’t invited to the one holiday gathering that a member of my family is making this Christmas season.

(Rick’s reasoning is mentioned here: http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/disowned/ )

Betty wanted me to just pick up gift cards for all the children, but I felt that they wouldn’t realize who the gifts were ultimately from. But now – when little Rose wears her pretty dress – she’ll remember that her great-grandmother gave it to her.

I was careful to keep Betty’s budget in mind and I found wonderful holiday bargains. On top of the 50% off sale in the children’s department (70% on two of the items), I had a store coupon for an additional 20% off everything! Macy’s receipt showed a savings of nearly $200 and the total came to maybe $10 more than Betty anticipated.

Betty phoned me on the cell just as we were finishing up the shopping trip and I excitedly told her about all wonderful gifts, but in typical Betty fashion – I was scolded for spending to much. I knew her initial reaction would be like that, so I was able to simply ignore the words. Later, when she realized that I was within her budget, she relaxed a bit. But just a bit. Now, just days before Christmas, she’s worrying about the sizes – are they correct? Are there stores on the east coast near Bradford’s home? (There are eight!) What if ….?

I took all the presents to Betty’s, wrapped them in tissue and gift boxes and put gift tags on them. But I failed – a migraine was coming on (it had nothing to do with Betty) and I didn’t have my meds with me, so I left before I had a chance to put the wrapping paper and bows on.

As betty struggled to wrap the boxes, she phoned to talk about her Christmas Day plans at Rick’s. All was going just fine – that is – until she told me that me being not invited was all my fault. That I instigated the situation. (And, yes, I hung up quickly and the tears poured out.)

I know in my heart that I did the right thing months ago by telling Rick that he was neglecting Betty. By telling him that I was “disappointed at all the family times and joyous occasions you have – that your only surviving Grandmother is never invited – never has the joy of experiencing…”

Frankly, if I didn’t say that – if I didn’t intervene – Betty would not have been invited to Rick’s home this year.

As for me – I wouldn’t have been invited anyway. I fear that Rick’s accusations (in my November 24, 2009 blog) will hurt until the day I die.

But at least Betty will be in a house full of children with awe in their eyes this Christmas, and I’ll have the joy knowing that I helped make it happen.

Betty’s Daughter

December 23, 2009

]]> http://raisingbetty.wordpress.com/2009/12/24/grandmas-christmas/feed/ 0 Betty's Daughter